Did I ever mention that I graduated from the University of Minnesota Medical School, grew bored with performing heart transplants, became a barber before becoming an astronaut, then went to law school and finally, by my thirties, moved up here to work as a lumberjack for Wheeler Bridge, owned and operated by St. Regis Paper Company?

All of that will be in my résumé when I declare as the U.S. Republican candidate for District 7 just as soon as Rep. Michelle Fischbach retires.

Only the last part of my résumé about cutting wood for Wheeler Bridge is factually accurate.

It has been the trend these...